You know you are against open borders in the United States, and you know why.
But we have all experienced the pain of being shut down by a glib liberal and one of those snarky one-liners that you just can’t find the words to respond to. Never fear: here are fifteen typical leftist immigration comments taken from “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration” and responses that will leave you feeling just as confident and intelligent as when you started.
Indignant Leftist: America is a nation of immigrants!
You: Some of our ancestors weren’t immigrants. They were slaves. Should we call America a nation of slaves? Or settlers and conquerors? They were in the mix, too.
Racist Leftist: Oh, you just want to keep America white!
You: Nonsense. I’d rather have a hundred thousand Filipino pro-life Republicans than five pro-choice, veal-pale social justice warriors. Now, I will cop to wanting to keep out future Democrats. But that’s just being patriotic.
Economical Leftist: Immigrants add to the economy!
You: So why not accept 147 million? Why not one billion? Clearly, there are costs as well as benefits, and we’re arguing about the right balance. If you don’t want to accept all comers, you’re a restrictionist too. Welcome to the club.
Multi-Cultural Leftist: Our diversity is our strength!
You: It wasn’t for Yugoslavia or Rwanda or Northern Ireland. Sometimes, it’s a deep source of conflict that leads to bigger and bigger government and fewer freedoms. Look at how Western European countries are turning into police states to manage all their fresh new “diversity.” There weren’t always checkpoints on London Bridge, you know.
Statistical Leftist: Immigrants give new entrepreneurial energy to lagging states.
You: Except when they impose so many costs and vote for so many leftist politicians that the natives flee for the hills. Or did millions of Californians just decide that they hate nice weather and gorgeous beaches and they’d rather live in Utah?
Collegiate Leftist: People are not illegal!
You: Nope. But their presence in our country is. If you find some squatter living in your basement, remember to call him an “undocumented tenant.” Then pay for his medical care and his kid’s college education.
Patriotic Leftist: They are “undocumented Americans!”
You: Ditto for your squatter. He’s an “unofficial family member.” Right? What’s stupid about that slogan of yours is that it makes foreign citizens here illegally sound like kids who forgot their ID. In fact, a lot of them do have documents. They’re just stolen from American victims of identity theft.
Emotional Leftist: These are families you’re trying to break up.
You: No. We’re perfectly happy to send them all safely to their parents’ home country, where they may legally reside. If they choose to break up their family by sneaking into the United States illegally, its wrong for us to reward that. It’s called “enabling.”
Propagandist Leftist: You’re Islamophobic!
You: A phobia is an irrational fear. When you have a significant percentage within a huge world religion who believe they are ordered by Allah to either convert, enslave, or kill you (not necessarily in that order), being on guard is highly rational. Also, that’s a word invented by CAIR, a group founded by the terrorist Muslim Brotherhood to make radical Islam sound warm and fuzzy to Americans. How’s it feel to be a terrorist propagandist?
Welfare-loving Leftist: Illegals are doing the work Americans don’t want to do!
You: Not at illegal, semi-slave wages, they won’t. What keeps those wages down, do you think? Is it climate change, or a constant influx of low-skill off-the-books workers?
Pagan Leftist: You’re a Christian! The Bible says to welcome the stranger.
You: Do you really think America should be governed by what the Bible says? Do you favor Bible study in public schools? No? Then why use it selectively to make our immigration laws?
Christian Leftist: What would Jesus do??
You: Why don’t you pray and ask him? He told us to “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.” That sure sounds like he respected the rule of law.
Dejected Leftist: But immigration is what makes America unique…
You: No, it isn’t. Argentina and Malaysia also took lots of immigrants. That’s not what sets us apart. Liberty is.
John Zmirak is an editor, college teacher, screenwriter, and political columnist. He is the author of The Politically Incorrect Guide to Immigration, Wilhelm Röpke: Swiss Localist, Global Economist and the popular Bad Catholic’s Guides. He served as press secretary to Louisiana Governor Mike Foster.